In this week’s Being 30 post, I am writing about ways to stop the self-criticism if you are feeling behind in life at 30.
A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the ways our friendships change in our 30s. In that post, I mentioned how everyone in their 30s seems to be in drastically different places — especially compared to our 20s, when everyone was more or less going through similar things at the same time.
With so much variance among the 30-something population, it’s excessively easy to feel like you aren’t “keeping up” with others. After all, a simple scroll down through social media can help you determine just about everyone’s relationship status, financial status, homeowner status, physical appearance, etc. It’s a constant barrage of pictures and updates — so naturally, you’re likely to compare, compare, compare!
No matter how self-confident you are, after a while, constantly comparing yourself to others is bound to make you feel behind somehow and someway.
So in this post, I’m (1) writing about some ways to stop criticizing yourself when you’re constantly peeking into the lives of others, and (2) identifying reasons to hype yourself up instead!
This post is about feeling behind in life at 30 and how to stop self-criticizing.
STOP thinking the people you feel “less than” are unflawed.
When you see someone with something you want, it’s easy to think they’ve got everything you want. And if they have everything you don’t, uh oh — you have fallen behind. It can be a crappy feeling.
In another post, I wrote about compounding thoughts. In case you missed it, compounding refers to taking your thoughts and feelings from one situation and then applying them to another, unrelated one. When we start thinking that people who have something in fact have everything, we’re really just compounding.
Maybe buying a house is a huge goal of yours. When you see someone else buy a house, you may begin to think this person not only has a house, but this person has everything you want. In turn, this can make you feel like you’re falling behind. Like, how can this person have everything while I have nothing?
Simply put, this just isn’t true. Just because someone has something you don’t doesn’t mean they have everything you don’t. You aren’t falling behind — this is just one scenario where your situations are different.
START remembering that people only tell what they want others to know.
Unless someone is a chronic over-sharer, no one — not even your friends — tell 100% of every story. People pick and choose which details of their lives to share in order to fabricate the realities they want others to see.
Maybe you see someone traveling the world because they want to portray this image of a world traveler. You may begin wondering, “How are their finances so good [compared to mine] that they’re able to live this kind of life!? What am I doing wrong??”
What you might not see is that they’ve gone into great personal debt to achieve this image.
So next time you start feeling like someone is just so far ahead of you in life, pause for a moment, and remember you’re only seeing the part of their story they want to see (*cough* the good part).
In reality, this person may not be as far ahead as they are portraying themselves.
STOP living on other people’s imposed timelines.
Previous generations have really enjoyed imposing their timelines onto us 30-somethings.
There’s this expectation that by age X, we should have done Y…by age Z, we should have accomplished A. I’m not quite sure where these expectations came from, but these timelines are arbitrary.
If you feel like you’re falling behind because you haven’t achieved a certain “milestone” yet — ask yourself, “So what?”
So what if you aren’t married with three kids by age 35? Who cares if you don’t buy a house until you’re 38? What’s it matter if you’re working an entry-level job at 33?
Really, what’s the rush to reach these milestones? Just to check them off an imaginary list so you can then rush off to the next one?
If these are actual goals of yours, then pursue them by all means. But if these aren’t goals of yours, don’t let them bother you.
It’s not like there’s a gold medal waiting for you at your 40th birthday party if you’ve achieved the most “milestones in your 30s.”
START living on your own timeline.
Being dead set on experiencing certain life events by a certain age is, honestly, a recipe for disaster.
Maybe you’re determined to be married with three kids by age 37. Who’s to say you won’t endure a toxic relationship just to fulfill this goal?
Maybe you’re determined to make 6 figures by age 31. Who’s to say you won’t find yourself in a job you despise just to achieve this?
By creating a timelines for yourself to adhere to, you’re really just forcing things to unfold unnaturally. In turn, this opens the door for bad situations to enter your life.
Personally, I’d rather set my own timelines and achieve life goals at my own pace.
If everyone else follows their own timeline (and therefore, no two timelines are the same) it’s really comparing apples to oranges.
You can’t fall behind another person’s timeline if their timeline is different from yours.
STOP comparing yourself to everyone.
You wouldn’t compare a kitten’s ability to swim to an adult shark’s, would you? Of course not. Why? Because they are two completely different things.
This may sound awfully cliché, no two people are the same. Each person is unique.
Everyone has different backgrounds, upbringings, friends, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, etc.
Therefore, how can two completely different things be compared to one another?
Logically-speaking, they can’t. There’s no “control” or benchmark or standard to base any sort of evaluation and/or comparison on.
That would be like saying, “Well, that spider on the wall is falling behind me in life because he doesn’t have a stable job.”
Well, no shit. It’s a spider. Of course you can’t compare an arachnid to a 30-something human being with a college degree and ten years of work experience.
So if you start feeling like you’re behind in life because you’re comparing yourself to someone else, remember that you logically can’t compare yourself to someone with different circumstances (i.e. everyone).
START comparing yourself to you.
Rather than comparing yourself to others, spend your time and energy comparing yourself to you.
You are your own benchmark, after all.
You are the only person you can really be compared to.
STOP only hyping up others’ in your head.
It’s easy to hype up others when we don’t know the (to be blunt) shitty sides of them.
We see the homeowner, not the guy who can’t keep a job to save his life.
We see the happy boyfriend, not the guy who picks a fight every other day about little things.
We see the new car buyer, not the guy who hasn’t done anything beneficial to society for six weeks.
While you should celebrate and acknowledge the success of others, you shouldn’t fixate on how “great” others are and over-hype them in your head. Fixating on another person’s success and status is a one-way street to feeling like you’re falling behind and can’t keep up.
START hyping up yourself instead!
You’re the only person who knows the full “you” story.
This story includes not only your victories (both big and small), but also the obstacles and challenges you’ve overcome, as well as the barriers you faced along the way.
Sure, you can hype up others when they achieve something good for themselves — but don’t forget to hype yourself up, too! Whether or not you know it, you’re winning at something everyday.
Listen up, sis. I want you to get so good at hyping yourself up every single day that you don’t even have time to feel behind in life, because you’re too busy just absolutely crushing it.
Honestly, how could you fall behind if all you do is win at every opportunity?
(Spoiler alert: You can’t.)
So now, my fellow 30-somethings, I’m wondering: How do you keep yourself from feeling behind in life at 30? Let me know in the comments!
