This post is all about how to send a first message on dating apps.
Sending that first message on dating apps is a total balancing act. A modern day art form, if you will.
You don't want to say too much, but you don't want to say too little. You don't want to have too much personality, but you don't want to have less personality that a brick wall, either. And while juggling giving too much while giving too little... You have to actually say something worth responding to.
When it comes to dating apps, I consider myself somewhat of an expert. After all, I spent the better part of my 20s navigating the wonderful world of online dating.
And although I've been out of the game for about two years now (my boyfriend and I just celebrated our second anniversary after meeting on – surprise, surprise – Tinder, of all places), I learned a thing or two from the hundreds upon hundreds of first messages I both sent and received.
So if you've ever matched with someone, and then immediately thought to yourself (or texted your best friend something along the lines of), "What the heck do I say now???" keep reading on.
Because in this post, I'm answering that very question by sharing exactly how to go about crafting that first message you send.
So... what's in a great first message?
The first message you send someone on dating apps needs to accomplish three things. Without being either too-long winded or too brief, you need to show enough personality to spark their interest and say something that actually invites conversation.
That’s a lot to accomplish in just a sentence or two! And if you flub your opportunity, you may not get another one.
But by mastering the art of that first message, you’ll soon have more replies than a hottie like you can keep up with!
Task #1: Say The Right Amount
Your first task when sending that first message is to say the right amount. You don’t want to say too much, but you also don’t want to say too little.
When you say too much, you come across as – well – too much. It’s a bit desperate, a bit needy, a bit off-putting, and a bit crazy to just straight-up dump a dissertation on someone right off the bat. But when you say too little, your first message has the opposite effect. You’ll come across disinterested, bland, impersonal, and standoffish.
And whether you’re over- or under-sharing with that first message, the result is the same. Radio silence.
So if you're firing off messages into the digital abyss but aren't receiving many responses, first look at how long your messages are. Are you saying too much? Are you saying too little?
If you’re guilty of either (over-sharing or under-sharing), the fix is easy.
If you’re sending dissertations, stop that immediately. No one wants to read a stranger’s monologue. And if you’re a one-syllable person, do more. Everyone receives dozens and dozens of “hey”s and “sup”s, so there’s no reason to reply to yours. Surely, there will be more lackluster intros like these to come – and ignore.
Task #2: Have Some Personality, Please...
Having some personality in the first message you send is important, too. Because never in the history of ever did a bland and boring “sup” or “hey” initiate a fun conversation.
And I can hear what you might be saying now: “I’m just playing it cool because I don’t want to come off as desperate!”
But there’s a difference between coming off as desperate and expressing interest, you see. So if you’re sending off bland, one word (or – God forbid – one syllable) first messages that just get ignored, you’re playing it too cool. You’re playing bored. You're playing “I’m disinterested.”
And acting disinterested in your matches, surely isn’t going to win you any messages back.
Fortunately, there are some easy ways to add some personality to your first messages.
Even if you’re not the chattiest texter in the world, emojis and punctuation will work wonders. These symbols can convey a ton of information without cranking up the word count.
I mean, “Hey! 😄” hits a lot different than “hey”. And in the world of online dating, this hit can mean the difference between initiating a conversation with a future partner and being ignored altogether.
But beware. While adding personality with punctuation and emojis is sure to convey some personality, there is such thing as too much of a good thing.
Sending too many emojis – or including too many punctuation marks – is likely to raise some "WTF"s, so don't go overboard.
For instance, sending a first message like, "Hey!!!!!!!! 😄🥳🥰😍🤤" would be way too freakin' much for that first message (or any message, really).
So while you should include some sort of to emojis and/or punctuation to convey your tone, do so sparingly.
Task #3: Invite Conversation
Finally, you'll need to make sure you say something in that first message that actually invites conversation. You can send the greatest, most poetic, perfectly-crafted first message of all time – you may even earn a smile or chuckle – but it doesn’t really matter if that’s as far as the conversation goes.
Really, that first message you send is really just your “in” to further conversation. So you’ll want to make sure what you say actually warrants a response.
To accomplish this, your first message will need to provide some level of content.
And if you’re not sure where to find this content, there are some ways to use the info on their profile:
- Does their bio contain anything you can remark on? Do you have any shared hobbies? Did they say something you found funny? Is there anything you can connect with?
- Similarly, swipe back through their photos. Anything here you can comment on?
- Even though they may have other social channels linked, I'd advise against clicking through and commenting on those until you've actually exchanged a few messages. Admitting to social media stalking in your first message is usually a turn off.
Anyway, once you get their attention with that first message, your next task is to keep them engaged throughout that first conversation – which I'll cover in a later blog post designed to help you convert matches into dates!
And that's how it's done!
So there ya have it: How to send a great first message on dating apps. While not brain surgery by any means, dating apps are an art form of their own with definite “do”s and “don’t”s.
So with these three tips in mind, it’s time to get back out there. Get swiping, start chatting, and maybe even find your next person.
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