Bad first dates: We all know ‘em, we all hate ‘em — and for some reason, we all keep having ‘em.

The awkward conversation. The thoughts of, “Oh my God, what did I get myself into?” The prayers as you walk to your car that you won’t have to dip, duck, dive, and dodge a good-bye kiss you just don't want.

Today, we’re talking all about the 🪄black magic🪄 behind bad first dates. What exactly makes a first date “bad”? Which kind of “icks” can you probably ignore — and which kind of “icks” should probably have you running for the door? What does dating research have to say? And if you find yourself trapped in a cycle of bad first dates, what can you do to break it?

In this post, we’re covering all this and more. So get comfy, hold on the Tinder swiping for a hot second (or don’t — maybe you’re better at multitasking than I am), and let’s talk more about the ins and outs and whats and whos and “this”s and “that”s of bad first dates.

a tale of ten-ish years (ft. lots of bad first dates)

Before I entered my current relationship, I spent the better part of my 20s circulating the local dating “scene,” I guess you could say. I was basically a library book, constantly being checked in and checked out by various gentleman callers.

And having passed through so many hands, I definitely experienced my fair share of bad first dates — but I honestly can’t think of a single traumatic first date horror story like the ones you can find all over Reddit. So if you clicked into this post hoping to get off on my misery, this is not the post for you. There’s no tea here. I have nothing to trauma-dump on you.

In hindsight, I realized that a majority of these first dates tanked for one of two reasons: There was either a total lack of chemistry, or we realized the only thing we had in common was geographical proximity.

And neither of those things really inspire a visceral desire to see someone again.

Fuck-Marry-Kill: First Date Edition 

While there are some glaringly-obvious signs that a first date is going straight down the shitter, some signs can be a little more subtle. A little more circle the drain.

And this is because not every first date “ick” is created equally. What does and does not qualify is highly personal, subject to your own personal boundaries and “patience for bullshit” levels. 

For example, my sailor’s mouth may be a total turn off for one person. But for another, it may be a total turn on. One of those, “Ooh, baby, gimme more of that,” kinda things.

In general, though, most people can agree upon the kinds of things that’ll maim a date, kill a date — or have you running to the bathroom to fire off an SOS text to your best friends.

So for this segment, we’re gonna play Fuck-Marry-Kill: First Date Edition. Although, I guess to be more accurate, it’s like Maim-Kill-Fucking Run.

Date Maimers 🤕

Starting with date maimers. These are the sorts of icks that might make you raise an eyebrow, or question your judgement, but they can generally be overlooked. These include things like:

• Awkwardness: To be expected when one or both of you are nervous, but it can still make for some uncomfortable silences during your maiden soiree.

• One sided conversation: Either because they’re talking too much or they’re not talking at all. No one really wants to dominate or be dominated on a first date. At least socially.

Date Killers 🔪

While a maimed date has a high chance for a full recovery, the same cannot be said of date killers. These are the kinds of icks that’ll squash any chance of a second date, and this list include no-no’s like:

• A total lack of chemistry — either socially or physically: It sucks to meet up with someone only to realize that elusive spark isn’t there.

• Having drastically different interests and hobbies: This makes it hard to envision what things could look like in the long term. What exactly would you two even do together?

• Giving desperate energy: Nothing says Stage 5 clinger like talking about exclusivity before the entrees even arrive — and nobody wants to knowingly invite a Stage 5 clinger in their life.

Send the SOS Text  (i.e. fucking run)📱

These are the most severe of first date sins. The reddest of red flags. Not only do these top-tier infractions leave zero chance for a second date — they may (and often should) lead to an abrupt end to the first one. So if these things start happening, it’s time to cue up the family emergency (sorry, fictional Aunt Carol) and begin planning your escape route.

• Overly Suggestive Comments: There’s a difference between showing interest in someone and showing interest in someone. When the comments get predatory, it’s time to bow out.

• Being Too Handsy: A hello hug? Fine. A hand on the shoulder while laughing? Fantastic. Groping under the table while you’re just trying to enjoy your sushi? That’s a fuck no. That’s a “run, girl.”

• Pushing Alcohol: A drink or two to loosen up a little bit is all good and dandy (I’d even encourage it if you’re socially awkward like I am), but when someone starts pushing drinks on you — and I mean pushing — that’s no bueno. In fact, that’s quite very no bueno. That’s very GTFO now.

• Creepy Vibes: Sometimes the vibes aren’t just off. They’re off off. You may not be able to quite put your sweet little finger on the strange energy you’re feeling, but your gut is hearing the creep alarms going off. So you should listen to your gut  — and get out!

“You are likely going to suffer through 2.5 hours of bad first date energy at some point in your life” - Science (2023) 🧪

So as I was planning this post and putting together that list of various first date icks, I started wondering to myself: Oh my God. Am I the problem here?

We all know I’m a firm believer in cold, hard, fuck-your-feelings facts. So naturally, I turned to science: Either to validate me or let me know that, being the common denominator here, I was the problem and bad first dates aren’t as rampant as I thought.

And you might not believe it, but finding research on tragic first dates is much, much harder than you might think. However, through some supreme internet sleuthing (i.e. three iterations of the same-but-slightly-reworded Google Search), I was able to find some relevant statistics. So here’s what the experts had to say regarding bad first dates.

• In 2023, this poll conducted by OnePoll and Canada Dry (yes — the soda people) found that only 16% of respondents reported never having a bad first date. (How someone wholly avoids bad first dates during a lifetime is a mystery to me. They must be lying) But this means that the remaining 84% of us have had the immense pleasure of suffering through one of these bad boys at least once.

• The same poll also found that the average first date lasts a little under 3 hours. Which honestly shocked me, considering how many people reported having shit first dates. Can you imagine being on a bad first date that lasts for three hours? That’s like hell on earth.

Except, we’re not actually in hell yet — but we’re tiptoeing the edge, babies. Because believe it or not, the stats get worse…

• Our second bit of research comes from Avocado Green Mattress. And while I don’t typically cite the mattress industry as concrete scientific evidence, they also ran a 2023 poll of their own. This poll found that the average person can determine in about 19 minutes if they’d like to have a second date with someone.

So… you know what that means right?

I’m sorry to break it to you, friendo, but if you’re not picking up what I’m putting down, I’ll just spell it out for you. Because that’s the kinda guy I am.

According to the research, it’s quite likely that at some point in your life, you’re going to consciously suffer through two and a half hours of bad first date energy with someone. 

God damn — that sucks so bad. 😭🤣

here's What to do if you’re caught in a bad first date cycle ♻️

So finally, this brings us to the advice section. 

Obviously, dating sucks ass — and the first date prognosis is not good. But if you’re still out there fighting the good fight and looking for your dream man, we’re not gonna dwell on the fact that, inevitably, more dragged-out bad first dates are in your future. Instead, we’re just going to lean into this information and strategize how we’re going to move forward.

We’re gonna get some positive mindset things in here, queen.

So if you’re caught in this bad first date cycle, here’s what we’re going to do.

Take a dating break. 

And I know this may sound counterintuitive, but dating fatigue is a real thing. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that — and it sucks. But the truth is, the more fatigued you become, the more cynical you become, and that makes it harder to actually enjoy yourself when you go on a first date. 

So instead of going on first dates when we’re actually exhausted from going on first dates, we’re gonna stop going on first dates. We’re gonna go do something else. We’re gonna go find new hobbies or go hang out with our friends. Whatever we do, we’re gonna stop going on first dates until we no longer feel jaded.

But if you’re oppositional, and you refuse to take a break…

You need to chill the fuck out and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. 

Dating is not supposed to be stressful. It’s not meant to wreak havoc on your mental well-being or feel like a chore. It’s supposed to be fun. Plus: You’re obviously not the problem here. Men are.

So get out there, meet new people, snag a few free dinners — and if it doesn’t work out with someone, it doesn’t work out. Who cares? There’s a million other people there. Just go find another mildly-attractive one who seems normal enough on Bumble or Tinder, and take ‘em for a test drive. If nothing else, your bad first date will make for a great story to share with your friends over a bottle of wine the next time you see them.

But just chill out for a sec and remember: “Finding someone” is not that serious. And the more pressure you put on it, the more miserable the search is going to feel. So relax, gal. Relax.

TL;DR

Everyone has bad first dates. These range from, “Well, that was awkward,” to, “I need to get the fuck out of here now.” Research shows that the average person will experience their fair share in their dating lifetime (so no — you’re not the problem here). And if you’re starting to feel exhausted by all the rampant bad first date juju, give yourself a little break.