Some people have bad days. Some people have bad weeks. But I had the absolute pleasure of having a bad year. For many, many, many reasons, thirty-one was not good to me. (In fact, I'd go so far as labeling thirty-one a tragedy – in the most literary sense.) So if you're looking for an inspirational end of year recap – this ain't it, sis. Because in this post, I'm sharing with you the 31 most brutally honest things I learned during my tragic 31st year.
So welcome to a year in hell.
Welcome to my very own tortured writers department, if you will.
(Happy birthday to me, right?)
The Tragedy of 31
Before we get to the good stuff, however, here's a quick lesson from a former English teacher.
In literature, a tragedy refers a story that "follows [a character's] gradual descent," during which time, the main character also finds him- or herself "isolated from...friends and companions." Think Shakespeare. That guy loved himself a good tragedy.
And I sat down to write this post and reflect upon the past year, I just kept coming back to this term. Tragedy. For good reason, too.
I'll spare you the fine details – but over these past twelve months, my mental health took so many nosedives I eventually stopped counting. Many times, it felt like I was desperately clawing my way out of a depressive, anxious pit – except the walls of this pit were made of sand. And because I couldn't grab onto anything, I just couldn't propel myself upward.
All the while, most members of my inner circle took just about every opportunity to either kick me when I was already down – or kick me back down once I finally managed to make some upward progress (but more on that later ❤️).
It was an unpleasant descent, made a dozen times worse by the interpersonal shit show I couldn't escape. It's really fun when you're being absolutely bombarded with bad shit – and most everyone around you just takes a step back.
But unlike Hamlet, the many poisons didn't take me out. I had my Brutuses, though. So many fucking Brutuses.
While I eventually escaped the pit, I wasn't unscathed. I returned from my journey to mental hell and back with a slew of brutal truths I gathered along the way.
31 truths, to be exact. So now, let's take a look at those 31 brutally honest things I learned over the past 365 days.
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The 31 Things I Learned This Year
On this blog, I cover five topics: Personal Development, Relationships, Career, Fun and Leisure, and Dog Parenting (you know, since us millennials love our pets like children). For that reason, I've broken this list up as such. But if you want to navigate to a specific section, I've included some quick links here.
Relationships
1. People are selfish, and they will disappoint you.
Starting off with a real cynical one here – but this was probably the most recurring theme for thirty-one. If there's one thing I learned about people this year, it's this: People are selfish. They will disappoint you. Everyone puts their own best interests first. No one is truly selfless. No one is going to put you first. And expecting anything more from anyone is going to disappoint you. Every. Single. Time.
2. People can break you in different ways – and they will, if you give them the opportunity.
Some things break your heart, some things break your spirit, and some things break both. And guess what? People will take these opportunities to break you, without flinching. (Worse yet, some do it without even realizing they're doing it.) So be careful who you hand a hammer to.
3. "We don't worry about you as much as we worry about [insert name here]" also translates into "we don't think about how [insert situation here] will impact you as much as it impacts [insert name here]."
If you've heard this statement before, it's really not the compliment you think it is. This is just an excuse to justify treating you like shit later on if they have to choose between harming you or the other person. You know, since the other person "has more problems" than you or whatever bullshit.
And here's the best thing part: After point-blank elevating someone else's needs over yours, some people will even have the audacity to ask you why you aren't smiling... before they've even removed the blade from your back.
4. "But we're your family" doesn't excuse shitty behavior.
A common ancestor doesn't give someone the unconditional, indisputable right to mistreat you. Blood may run thick – but not that thick. Sorry.
5. Check in texts matter – and "sorry, I've been too busy to text" is a lie.
Some fires start with a single spark. And if you ignore a small fire for long enough, it'll either blow out – or eventually consume everything around it
Check in texts function the same way. No one is so busy they can't fire off a two-second message – especially when they see those first wisps of smoke. "I was too busy," really just means, "I forgot to check in on you," or "I chose not to check in on you."
6. Let go of dead relationships.
When a relationship flatlines, there's no use in trying to resuscitate it. Relationships die for a reason – so when one slips away, it's best to just send it right off to the graveyard. And skip the postmortem.
7. Your friends who look like they have it together? They don't.
Everyone's got problems. Some people are just better able to mask them. So check in on your friends – even the ones wearing masks with smiles.
8. Kids are exhausting. Even when they aren't yours.
Kids are relentless. Relentlessly energetic, relentlessly in need of entertainment, relentlessly requesting snacks, relentlessly looking for attention and hugs. They are sweet as can be – but oh my lanta, they are tiring. ☠️ And no amount of sleep at night provides enough rest to match their relentlessness the next day.
9. Surround yourself and invest in relationships with people who make you happy – not people you feel an obligation to.
There's no rule book outlining the people you must get along with. So if you don't mesh with someone – no matter who it is – you are not obligated to force a relationship with them.
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Career
10. You deserve a job you love.
I liked teaching, but I didn't love it. My new career, however, I adore. And I think everyone deserves to feel this way about their job.
11. Making a comfortable income is ridiculously challenging.
This is probably a duh statement, but the salary jump I experienced when I transitioning to tech sales from teaching was... significant. However, I still won't say I make a comfortable income... which is absolutely wild considering how much more I now make. To truly make a "comfortable income" is ridiculously hard.
12. Do not work a job that pays you less than your worth.
I lived the "teachers don't teach for money, they teach because it's a calling" life for a while – and fuck that. Whether or not a career is a "calling," that doesn't justify a shitty wage that prevents you from doing things you want after work hours. So don't work a job that under-compensates you.
13. Throwing yourself into work when your personal life is shit is an excellent, non-destructive escape.
Want me to be super industrious at work? Throw my personal life into a tailspin. And while I acknowledge that obsessing over work to avoid dealing with my personal life maybe isn't the best coping mechanism out there, it's better than doing cocaine to avoid dealing with things. So I'll call it a W.
Fun & Leisure
14. Drop the money on the fun vacation.
I've never returned home from a trip and say, "Dang, I wish I wouldn't have spent the money on that. I wish I would've stayed home instead." So unless you're living paycheck-to-paycheck and have zero expendable income, drop the money. Go on the fun vacation.
15. Me time is essential to your non-physical well-being, so find a hobby (or two) you love.
There's lots of research out there about the positive impact having a hobby has on your mental health. So everyone should (and deserves) a hobby they love. It can, quite literally, be a lifesaver.
16. Do things you enjoy, even if people mock you behind your back.
People are going to mock you and think you're stupid, anyway. So at least diversify their topics of conversation.
17. Blogging is both very fun and very therapeutic – but doing it well is very difficult.
In hindsight, I definitely came into the whole "blogging" thing a little overconfidently. With my background in English, I thought I'd be able to write a few things and amass this massive readership. No problem. Part of me – arrogantly – even thought, "Maybe I can make this a viable, profitable thing." Well, I was wrong. That's not quite how the inaugural year unfolded.
But readership numbers aside, blogging has been an exceptionally therapeutic addition to my day-to-day routine. And I plan to continue blogging well into the foreseeable future.
related post: Opinion: Everyone Should Have A Blog Of Their Own
18. There's a Taylor Swift song for everything.
Feeling bad about yourself? In the mood to fight? Blinded by love? Want to cry? Feeling vengeful? Want to kick a door off its hinges while yelling, "FUCK YOU!"? Taylor's got you. And if you are not a Swiftie, this is probably not the blog for you.
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Dog Parenting
19. Losing a pet is hard.
I've lost pets in the past, but it's been at least 10 years since I've lost a household animal. I forgot how bad that shit hurts.
20. Losing a second pet is even harder – especially when it's your call.
Even worse than losing one household pet is losing a second one... Six months later. Especially when you're the one making this ultimate end-of-life decision. For the first time ever. Gut-wrenching.
21. There is no love like puppy love.
It's been at least ten years since I last had a puppy, and "puppy love" is a real thing. Nothing compares to the unconditional love your puppy will give you.
22. Puppies are really challenging.
As loving as they are, puppies are HARD. Not only do they come hardwired with zero skills, everything is new to them – and exciting.
23. Invest in your animal's healthcare and overall quality of life.
Historically, I've done a horrific job of this. It's not because I didn't care about my pets... I just didn't have the extra income to ensure they received the healthcare they needed. $200 vet bill for a check up when I was only bringing home $2,500 a month after taxes? No freaking way. But investing early will save you a lot of trouble later on.
24. BUY PET INSURANCE.
You won't realize how bad you wanted pet insurance until you're staring down a $10,000 vet bill and comparing it to the $20 a month you could've just spent on insurance instead...
25. Your pets only have a good 10-15 years, so give them the most you can during that time.
It wasn't until we lost two pets this year did I really think about how short a pet's life is. Realistically, they only get to celebrate each holiday 10-15 times, experience each season 10-15 times, etc. So be that "extra" pet parent. Spoil them for holidays, take them on trips, let them experience the seasons. Don't lock them up inside the same four walls. Because when they finally do slip away, you'll feel like you barely had any time with them at all.
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Personal Development
26. Be mad when you have to be.
I fucking hate when people say, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Shut up. Not every toxin is bad. Chemotherapy, after all, is highly toxic but kills off cancer in small doses, doesn't it?
So let yourself be angry when you need to be. Let yourself feel anger, let yourself express anger. It doesn't make you a bad person – and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.
27. Your mind can be a prison.
Getting trapped in your own head is not a fun experience. Your mind is a prison at times – and it's up to you and you alone to appeal that sentence. Because although others will see all the signs (and they'll raise their eyebrows as you raise the red flags), they'll just pretend they can't read.
28. You'll be happier when you stop trying to help people.
You can want the best for someone – but if they don't ask for help, don't bother offering it. If they want to self-destruct, let them.
29. Sometimes, the best thing you can is remove yourself from a group or a situation.
Just because you give someone (or something) the keys to your house doesn't mean you can't change the locks later. Extending an "invitation" to your life doesn't mean the open door policy is permanent – especially when this presence is causing you harm. So change the fucking locks and keep the mess out.
30. Some people live outside of reality. Let them.
Whether they're in denial – or just point-blank delusional – some people prefer living outside of reality. Let them.
31. Being a vegetarian is way easier than I thought – but so is eating poorly.
Oh, yeah. And at some point during this entirely-too-tumultuous year, I decided to stop eating meat. Since there are so many plant-based alternatives out there, this diet switch was actually way easier than I thought it would be However, it's super easy to slip into poor eating habits. On more than one occasion, I justified ordering a cheese pizza for dinner because "it doesn't contain meat!"
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Parting Words of Advice
Although writing and editing and revising this post over and over and over again was exceptionally therapeutic (believe it or not – this is a seriously watered-down version of the original draft), the purpose of writing this not to absolutely rip every single person and situation that contributed to this nightmare of a year. The purpose was two-fold:
- I think the internet is just full of people pretending everything is good and dandy when it's not. So when things in your life don't feel good and dandy, it's easy to feel totally isolated when you see everyone else just out there living their best lives. This post is for those people. The ones who feel down and alone.
- I think it's important to think back on shit that happens – good, bad, and everything in between – to learn from these experiences.
So in closing, I'll leave you with this.
First, bad shit is going to happen. It's unavoidable.
Sometimes bad shit happens so sparingly you forget it even exists in the world. (Lucky you.) Sometimes bad shit happens with a frequency you didn't even know was possible. Either way, you can't escape it. You can run, you can hide, but bad shit will eventually hunt you down and wreak havoc on your day-to-day routines.
But I also learned that bad shit is only temporary – so don't let a shitty moment, day, week, month, or year keep you down for too long. Because everything will eventually pass.
I hereby declare myself emancipated.
Yes, thirty-one was a tragedy. But with this post, I am emancipating myself from the 365 days of tortured bullshit.
I've decided to focus year thirty-two on recovery and new beginnings – which is fitting, considering the number of major life changes are on the horizon. So if you've read this far (and you're feeling so inclined), subscribe to the monthly newsletter and follow along as I refocus on (and document) reestablishing my happiness in the year ahead.
Thank you for reading my most recent mental breakdown. Hopefully it's my last one for a while. Appreciate you all.